Nothing Makes Sense Without You

Grace strikes us when we are in a great pain and restlessness....

sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness,

and it is as though a voice were saying:  "You are accepted!"

~Paul Johannes Tillich

Sometimes we have to go back, really back....to have a sense, an understanding of all that's gone to make us....before we can truly move forward. I know that in order for me to live an authentic life, I have to be transparent.  When everything is going good in my life, it humbles me to go back to the broken mess of a woman I once was.  Sorting through pictures, pulling from fragmented pieces of my memory and reading old journal entries helps me in the process of the "authentic dig."
 

In 2002, two weeks after the birth of our second daughter, we moved in to a new house.  My thoughts at that time were consumed with having bare walls, sheets on windows, boxes in the floor, nursing a new born baby and keeping up with an energetic 2 1/2 year old toddler.  It is painful for me to go back to that place....to that woman.  I was resentful toward my husband for being able to get up and "escape" to work everyday, even though we had made the decision together for me to stop working and stay at home with our babies.  I missed my Mom and sisters terribly....they were supposed to be there with me, to guide me through this phase of becoming a woman but, they were 70 miles away in our "Hometown". In the midst of that season of Motherhood I wasn't in a very good place.  I began to withdraw from all my close friends, leaving poor Greg to be my "all in all"....a burden I should have never placed on him.  I couldn't wait for him to get home from work everyday.   I felt as though I couldn't function, even get a shower, until he was at the house.  Needless to say, this began to take it's toll on our marriage.  I was like a giant leech sucking the life out of him. He continued to love me anyway but, I knew something had to change. 

In February of 2003, my closest friends, who noticed this change in me, stepped in. A new MOPS group was starting in our town and they talked me in to going to my first meeting.

Michele, Kim, Bri and I along with our spouses and "First" born toddlers.

Even though two have moved away, these ladies will always have a special place in my heart not only because we shared a special part of our life together but, because they loved me enough to reach out and help me get up.

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed.

If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.

~Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

I still remember walking in to that first meeting.....It was Valentine's Day, there was white linens and candles lit on the tables; music playing and breakfast being served....definitely not a typical morning for most moms.:)  A mentor mom from the church shared that day about The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.  We broke off in to small groups and were able to share and talk with other moms.  It was so comforting to know that other people were struggling with the same things that I was.  I left there that day refreshed, ready to try and be a better wife and mom. 

Over the course of that year, I formed many new friendships and learned a lot about myself. I didn't realize it at the time but, I was suffering from postpartum depression. I didn't understand how I could be surrounded by a loving husband, two precious daughters, supportive family and friends yet feel so alone and empty.  I felt guilty and tried to just keep pushing through with a smile on my face even though I was falling apart on the inside.  There was something missing from my life that the depression had magnified, a void, that no person or thing could fill. Going to MOPS helped me a lot but, twice a month just wasn't enough....I needed more.  I began to have anxiety and was dealing with some real health problems.  I reached a point where the brokenness was consuming me and I didn't have the strength to keep it all together on my own anymore. 

On February 27, 2004 there was a MOPS "Mom's Night Out" event that I attended.  I made up my mind before I went that I was going to ask one of the leaders to pray for me.  Something, at that time, I wasn't really sure how to do on my own.  It was close to midnight and everyone was gone except some women cleaning up in the kitchen. I felt defeated and I started gravitating toward the door when I heard a "Hey Dana!" It was our MOPS Coordinator Melissa. "I forgot you had asked for prayer tonight," she said.  Then, suddenly, like a fountain spewing out of my mouth, I began to say and ask what seemed like a thousand different things.  By this time, the other woman had gathered around me and an entire Q & A session broke out.  Questions about their faith, my faith, and how I didn't really even know what it was that I needed, I just knew I couldn't go one more day feeling the way I did. 

In that moment, Amy, another leader, asked me if I had ever asked Jesus in to my heart?  With certainty, I said No, I want to but I just don't know how.  At that point, we all walked over to the altar and they prayed over me and I prayed a prayer of salvation.  I can't put in to words how overwhelming the emotions were, it was something I had never experienced before.  I remember when we finished, turning to Melissa in my vulnerable, almost child-like state and asking, "Will you be my friend?" She hugged me and we cried together. 

Those woman who prayed with me that night are my very best friends to this day....

For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in their midst.

~Matthew 18:20

Melissa, Rebecca, Dana F., Amy and Me

That night changed my life forever.  I remember going out the next morning and hearing the birds sing in a way that I never had before. Six months after that night, Greg was saved at a special 9/11 service hosted by our church with guest speaker Sujo John.  I pray that I never forget where we have came from, the importance of staying humble, keeping a spirit of gratitude and continuing to dream.  Thank you God for your Grace, Love and Acceptance. I pray I can live an authentic life that is pleasing to you, continue to teach me how to walk in your ways. 

  

    

Inspiration from Simple Abundance by Susan Ban Breathnach

Rooted in Love

We love because He first loved us.

1 John 4:19

The love of family is life's greatest blessing.....we are all rooted in love. We take the love that we are given as children and love others and the cycle is never ending.

This is how our love story began....

 Our Grandparents

(I didn't have pictures of all four sets)

Our Parents

Us

We had our first blind date when I was a Freshman and Greg was a Junior

We have been together ever since...

The Love of my Life

Happy Valentine's Day to my

True Companion

Our Wedding Song

We are now called to build a strong foundation of love for our daughters,

 so they will always love God and others.

Love begins by taking care of the closest ones~the ones at home.

~Mother Teresa

Running from Discipline

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. 

Later on, however, it produces a harvest of

righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

Hebrews 12:11

Speed in running isn 't everything.  The course selected is also important.  A fast runner racing up and down hills can not keep pace with a slower runner on level ground. It takes discipline to stay the course. What about running in my personal life?  Why do I find myself running from the very things that bring discipline and order to my life.  Why is it so hard for me to realize that taking the hills is no bigger an accomplishment than just staying on level ground?  Instead, I choose to press up the hills of my own works knowing that Jesus is the level way, the pleasant way. 

Rick Warren's article on How to Develop Self-Discipline gave me some great insight about my weaknesses.  In my daily cares and needs, the greatest truth I need to remember is to run to God.  My wisest course is to at once go to Him instead of this friend or that family member.  He knows my weaknesses, my wants, my desires and He can relieve them. 

By God's grace I will outrun the strongest runner who chooses any other path.

Let the Journey Begin

We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.

~Proverbs 16:9

This morning has been a Hodge Podge.  It began with an early bedtime due to a Migraine last night and when I woke up to the 6AM text from Mr. B saying he forgot to put Olivia's jeans in the dryer ( he is up, out the door and at work before the Rooster Crows) the last dream I remember involved me going on a trip to New York with an old MOPS acquaintance whom I have not talked to for many years (except for the occasional "Hi, How are you?" run in at Wal-Mart.) 

This is a picture from MOPS National Convention many years ago....I know I will share more about this ministry and how it changed my life, in a future post.:)

I slowly came out of my groggy state and before my feet hit the floor, there was an immediate influx of thoughts; thank you Lord that my Migraine is gone, the name for today's post (really not sure at that point what direction I was supposed to go), I have to finish my 600 word essay for U.S History, Kate can help me make the dough today for some new Artisan Pizza recipes I want to try, turn on the dryer so Olivia can wear her "favorite jeans", get my sweet, laid back, Caroline ready for school .  So then, I get up...

Has this ever happened to you?  You are brushing your teeth first thing of the morning and suddenly you do not recognize the person staring back at you.  "Who the heck is she?" you ask the mirror on the wall.  She looks familiar but bears little resemblance to the woman I expect to see there. Besides the obvious external changes that have occurred over the years, what happened?  What is that look of longing in her eyes?  Here is the question that deserves loving meditation.  Perhaps, the heart of our longing, is that we miss the woman we were supposed to be.  We miss our authentic selves....the unique woman God created us to be. We haven't been obedient and listened to the little whispers of what He wants us to do. Instead, we do what we think is best for us.   The good news is, no matter how much we have ignored his advice and tried to navigate through life on our own, He will never abandon us.  Instead, He embraces us and gently nudges us in the right direction.  In order to satisfy the longing in our hearts, to go after our dreams and desires, we have to turn away from the world and look within. God's love will illuminate our path to wholeness.  Let the journey begin.

You are an original; a gift from God.

How you live, how you love,

is your gift to God.

~Promises for Life

Focus

We need a focus.  A main thing.  Something bigger than skin cream or tennis shoes that remind us of the purpose of it all.  If we expect to regain a more simple heart, a more centered pace for our day, we need to order our lives in specific ways.

~ David and Barbara Sorensen

My mind is a place of it's own, a place where few people would dare to go.  In a matter of moments it goes from thinking about how my Mom is recovering from her knee replacement surgery and figuring out important questions about faith to pondering how I should go about making a Poodle Skirt for my 6th graders Sock Hop on Friday and we need new carpeting, paint colors I like and then "What's for dinner tonight?"  My mind will grab hold of a single thought like a dog with a chew toy and not let go until I'm either exhausted or I'm bored with the entire idea and ready to move on to something new.

I know that I'm not alone in the fact that we all have questions, answers, concerns, opinions, ideas and dreams hovering over our brains disguised as a dull headache. One thing that helps me declutter so that I can have space to think clearly is keeping a spiral notebook close by.  I have a conversation with myself on the paper, then I can organize my thoughts and let go of the things that are taking up space.  I am a visual person so this works for me.  It is a given that quiet prayer time at the beginning of my day helps me more than anything but, unfortunately, I don't always take time to sit and be still....I'm working on that. 

I was first introduced to this singer by my Mom.:)  Her voice is peaceful and calming and I like listening to this CD while I'm reading, cooking or trying to relax the tension in our house between dinner, homework, bath and bedtime....you know what I'm talking about!

Love and Light~

Dana

Adapted from Simple Abundance by Susan Ban Breathnach

First Snow

I took these pictures today at our cemetery in town.  Visiting there today was illuminating.  It was so still and silent.  So quiet.  I have always been drawn to old cemeteries.  I enjoy walking through them and feeling completely at peace.  Old cemeteries are a reminder that until it is carved in stone, realizing our heart's desire is possible every day if we recognize what it is that makes us happy.

In Thornton Wilder's play Our Town a deeply moving scene takes place in a graveyard.  Ghosts comfort the young heroine, who has recently died in childbirth.  Emily, still longing for the life she has just left, wishes to revisit one ordinary, "unimportant" day in her life.  When she gets her wish, she realizes how much the living take for granted.

Eventually, her visit is too much for her to bear.  "I didn't realize," she confesses mournfully, "all that was going on and we never noticed....Good-by, world.  Good-by Grover's Corners...Mama and Papa.  Good-by to clocks ticking....and Mama's sunflowers.  And food and coffee.  And new-ironed dresses and hot baths....and sleeping and waking up.  Oh, earth, you're too wonderful for anybody to realize you."

This is the season of Epiphany, when the renewal of light and revelation are celebrated in the liturgy of the Catholic, Episcopal, and Eastern Orthodox churches.  Let us take a new path where we seek everyday epiphanies~ occasions on which we can experience the Sacred in the ordinary~ and come to the awakening, like Emily finally does, that we can no longer afford to throw away even one "unimportant" day by not noticing the wonder of it all.  We have to be willing to discover and then appreciate the authentic moments of happiness available to all of us every day.

Source:

 Simple Abundance by Susan Ban Breathnach

My View

This is the view from my kitchen window....with my birds.:)

It is a rainy day here in my part of the world.

I am taking time to sit and be still this morning...to listen~ rain tapping

against the windows, the clock ticking, refrigerator running.  It is good, at times,

not to talk.  I need to be alone in His presence and not feel the need to

break the silence.  This is a time I can sit and wait for answers, guidance

and soak in His love.

~Each day offers time to draw closer to God

and take new steps toward living with purpose.